The MELVINS Shack - CHIC Magazine December 2000

From CHIC MAGAZINE
December 2000

CHIC Life Lessons
Where We Pass Along the Knowledge of Pussy

LAY SIGNATURE: Sign Your Name with Sex
Marked by Dr. Kevin Rutmanis

There are men in this world who do not have to strive for sex: women seek then out. Remember back to a time when a certain gentleman's name was mentioned at dinner and all the women at the table blushingly looked down at their food. If you could have slipped into the women's toilet without being arrested, you would have heard gossip about what this fellow did to cause such feminine reaction--heard them alluding to some act, something they've shared. Without knowing specifics, you can assume that his clever chap has a lay signature, a special move all his own--something that you too can and should develop.

THE DISCOVERY
What exactly is a lay signature? Think of it as the sexual version of the mark of Zorro, or a fancy wrestling move that only one man can make. This method has been used from math teachers with pocket liners to Italian millionaires. It's the talk of tailville. We don't mean slug trails and sperm stains on underwear; we're talking class and inventiveness. You'll know it when you have one, and better yet, so will the women you bed. Once the ladies are appropriately impressed, they'll remember it and tell other prospects all about it. Women will be dying to take your mighty sword to bed, just to see if the tales they've been told are true.

"I ascertained the advantage of having a sexual signature relatively early in life," says Jeffery Weatherford, a sexual behaviorist at the institute of Human Sciences in Billings, Montana. "I can remember particularly a girl with whom I had sexual relations until I was just out of my teens. We were always alone and could do whatever we pleased.

"My friend always wished to be excited first. You must bear in mind that we were only 18 when it started. I can still remember that she always asked me to tell some jolly and fantastic tale culminating in the description of an extremely large phallus. My phallus in these stories would rush in to some opening of the body, come out again through the mouth, would wind itself about the body several times and enter again through the vagina. My friend would laugh and let me do with her as I pleased. That's when I realized how special these individualized signatures are. The story telling was something unique that only I was doing. It was why she chose to be with me."

A lay signature, explains Weatherford, can involve a setting a specific act or scent-anything to deviate from the usual grunt and grope in the dark. "Get her off upside down," he suggests. "Leave a pepper shaker by your nightstand and, just before she comes, sprinkle a dash of the stuff under her nose. When she simultaneously sneezes and climaxes, she'll be blown away."

Moses Pickleford, a Miami Beach local who helps men develop their own signature for $300 a pop, recommends a more flamboyant route, "Turn on the disco lights and with portable karaoke machine blaring, sing 'Oops!…I Did It Again' in the nude with a cowboy hat on," he recommends. "Leap wildly onto the bed and present her with a bouquet of snapdragons. Dress up like the Maytag repairman and screw her while the washing machine is grinding through its spin cycle. And food play can be successful as well. I had one client who popped frozen grapes playfully into the ol' pooperoo of many of his on-night stands while fucking. The girls love it, and word got around. He's now known as the master of the 'fruit salad' and was popular with the dance club set."

While Pickleford says he can't give away any more ideas without knowing more about the man in need (not to mention without collecting his fee), he says he is confident that any man with half an imagination and some balls will get the idea and develop his own style.

STUPID ANIMAL TRICKS
Recent research has shown that pets are often used as part of a sexual signature, as most talent is fond of an unexpected animal trick. "If you can get Spot or Snowpuff involved in the act, she'll never forget it," Pink O'Ryan, a bartender in Wilmington, Ohio relates. A dog trained to perform will impress, and she'll think it's adorable.

"I meet a lot of girls when I bartend at the BeeBee Club," says O'Ryan. "Somehow word had gotten around that my dog Corey provided 'special' services whenever I had overnight guests. Lisa, a hot regular, was unusually friendly with me one night, never leaving the bar. A tall black woman with gasoline-red hair, who had tits that looked like party balloons filled with Crisco, and an ass so muscular that you could use it to pull nails.

"Lisa asked me how my dog Corey was doing. 'Aw, she's great.' I said, 'and she loves it when I bring beautiful women home.' She told me she wanted to meet her. We walked to my apartment two blocks away. We had barely gotten through the front door before we were going at it, hot and hearty.

"I pulled those amazing brown boobs out into the light and started licking all around them, biting her nipples. She was already groaning and sweating. She arched her back and stuffed her black beauties deep into my mouth. Jesus, her aureoles were huge! They looked like those old 45 r.p.m. records kids used to play in their bedrooms. She pulled me down on the couch, took out my bulging corkscrew, and started sucking for all the flavor she could get out of it.

"She didn't even notice Corey, who had quietly entered the room and was lying at our feet, watching with interest. I heard Corey's tail thumping the floor as Lisa flipped over and proudly wagged her ass in my face. Corey stretched up and gave Lisa little dog kiss on the nose.

"Lisa giggled as I commanded, 'Corey, it's happy time!' Corey jumped up and ran into the next room. Lisa looked intrigued but kept the action, going, rubbing my shaft against the tropical storm raging in her snatch. Corey reappeared in the nick of time with a box of rubbers in her mouth.

"It wasn't till after Lisa and Corey finished howling like banshees (Corey had become excite by Lisa's groans and started howling) that she commented on how impressed she was with Corey's trick. 'That's a lot better than getting her to bring over your slippers or the damn newspaper,' she laughed.

"Thanks to Corey's little trick, I got to fuck an amazing box of heat like Lisa. After she spread the word to all her friends, many more followed"

CHILD'S PLAY
Young women occasionally appreciate childish behavior as well. One male secretary I knew would suck his thumb during the act claiming, "I only do it with you because I trust you."

Receiving or giving spankings are a good variation to this theme. Good-natured butt pounding in some cases is great approved by gorgeous dates. Your pretty friend will not soon forget kneading, spanking or ass slapping with various objects. Hairbrushes and shoes are often used in these situations. Josh Bulling, a road engineer in Philadelphia, relates a particularly good experience.

"I had this girl named Cherie I'd met in my office over to my place. She was beautiful and horny-my favorite combination. She had a short, blond bob haircut and the kind of perfect tits you see in fuck books from the '60s-big and bouncy, and nothing fake about them.

"She was naked pretty much in an instant, and had one of those rare bodies that looked better nude than dressed, I went down on her while she licked my nutsack and shaft up and down, biting my legs pretty viciously. As she was getting pretty rough, I figured I'd getter take charge, so I didn't seem like too much of a pussy.

"I flipped her over my knee and started spanking her ass pretty hard. After a couple of hits, I'd stop to finger-bang her. She groaned, and asked me to tell her she was bad.

" 'You bad little bitch!' I hissed between bursts of pounding on that gorgeous ass. Every few minutes she would slide down off my knees and give my brass some polishing, licking and sucking my cock, squeezing my balls the whole time. We went back and forth between my spanking her and her sucking my cock. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and she climbed up onto my lap. We fucked like crazy and she came furiously, biting my neck and scratching my back.

"Every once in awhile, I ask her at work how she's been, and if she answers 'bad,' I know she'll be visiting that night. She must have talked to Susan, one of the other girls, because she awkwardly told me she'd been kind of bad lately when we were both getting coffee at the office this morning. I told her I thought I could help her out. She agreed to ride home from work with me tonight."

SPOILED SCRIBBLE
Once a girl mentions your signature to some of her friends, it won't be long before they will come sniffing around to see if the stories are true. People like to get in on interesting and fun activities. Once word of caution however; Being creative has its own risks. You're taking a chance when you do something nutty with a girl who is a relative stranger. On one hand you may get to fuck everyone in town. On the other, you may be laughed out of that same town.

Pete Davidovitch of Chicago, a sports team manager, remembers on painfully embarrassing moment all too well., "I used to eat girls, and really get them screaming," he admits. "I'd really treat them special, rubbing lotion all over their breasts, stomach, legs and ass. It was this special treatment that brought them back. I'd have their hot thighs oiled up with some lotion, and put them up over my shoulders. Then I'd really go down on 'em with all the tongue-twisting that I could muster.

"I'd pay really careful attention to them, and in return ask for nothing. I'd have my fingers up deep in their asses; they'd grind their sulfur pits hard against my face. In no time they'd buck and scream; I'd bit their clits and really tongue them out.

"Then after they were done screaming, sweating, and cumming, I'd roll 'em over on their stomachs and jack off onto their beautiful asses. They'd rub my jizz all over their buns, and sometimes would spread their legs for another deep fucking. The girls loved all the attention and thought it was sweet that I could unleash my wad down the crack of their lovely behinds as a sort of dessert to the cunt meal I had just had. It really became what I was know for, and I had a good thing going."

Davidovitch winces, "Then I did my usual act with this lithe 18-year-old who had a set of tits and ass as hard as chunks of cement. We were both enjoying the cunt eating. She was going crazy, screaming, tearing at my hair, and her pussy juices tasted just amazing.

"After she flopped on the bed from exhaustion, I rolled her onto her stomach. When I started pounding my little sailor she spun around and yelled, 'What the hell are you doing?!' like it was the weirdest thing she had ever seen. My balls and cock pulled up and into my abdomen, I'd say roughly chest high. It was a long time before I pulled that move again."

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As you can see, it is important to keep yourself in check; after all, a signature can only go so far.

On the surface Davidovitch's signature was perfectly reasonable. It obviously worked for him for quite awhile, and was no more aberrant that the other examples cited here. Perhaps his error was in judging the young lady in question. She evidently was only interested in the pedestrian satisfaction of her needs alone.

So remember, before you go scribbling your dick over every pussy in town or get your testes bitten off, don't forget to factor in what kind of person you are dealing with as part of the pink equation.

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